Lord,
I feel so lost right now. Disoriented and struggling to find my purpose. I’m really struggling to know what it is You have for me. At this point in my life, I don’t know. I understand that as a single, my life is totally devoted to you and despite the desire to be married, I accept that it may not be for me. I struggle with it a lot. I think I just like the idea, but would rather be free and unattached. I accept where I am right now. I accept whatever it is that You have for me. I accept Your plans and purposes, which are greater than my own (Proverbs 16:9; Ephesians 1:11; Isaiah 46:9-10; Isaiah 55:8). I accept this season of my life (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). I accept that my life is not my own (Jeremiah 10:23).
I’m struggling to find purpose because, for the longest time- I have longed for and desired a life, which seems I cannot reach. Since Covid happened, travel has been restricted and I’m now working two part-time jobs just to maintain my sanity and mental health after having to social distance for months!!
Father,
I accept who You made me to be - even though I’m struggling to know what that is. I know who I am, but who am I for which You have me to do? I know my identity, but the question is - what does the “Who” have to do with my purpose? And, what is my purpose? Is this all making sense???
I’m struggling to find out the purpose in it all - all the heartbreak, disappointments and failures in some areas of my life - in my personal, professional and business endeavors. Struggling to understand why my life has not gone the way I’ve wanted it to...why a good life comes so easily to others. but so heartbreakingly disappointing for me. My life has taken a whole new direction. A whole new place and city.
I accept my past. I am where I am today because of You. Even though the past keeps trying to rear its ugly head, I carry on like a good soldier fighting the good fight of faith (1 Timothy 6:12).
I accept that I’ve made so many bad decisions and mistakes in my life - I mean, look at what happened with what's-his-name, for example. I didn’t see or refused to see the red flags because I wanted a relationship and thought he was a god-send. He really did look the part, but looking back on it now with sober eyes - there was too much baggage and toxicity.
My experience in the military, for example...made me a better and more grateful person, I admit. I really, truly appreciate the American way of life and all the luxuries that America offers. I’m proud to be an American. Sure, I’ve learned from hardship and the sacrifices we make leads to good character building and a love and appreciation for everything I have. See? Bad decisions can turn out good.
Mistakes, on the other hand. Oh man, the errors I make at work, for example. I do my best to uphold perfectionism in all I do. Not perfectionism. I mean, to be excellent in all I do. But, when I fall short, oh man - I’m too hard on myself and I eat up the ugliness of my mistakes like a terrible butt-whoopin’. I accept that it’s a part of the journey of life, however (Romans 8:28).
I accept both my ups and downs. Life happens and I understand that the downs are part of the journey of life (Romans 8:28). I accept all that You have for me, Lord. Your plans, which are plans of good, not evil (Jeremiah 29:11). To give me a hope and a future, and an expected end (Jeremiah 29:11). Even though I cannot see it and not sure how to find my way. I accept and trust that You make all things beautiful in Your time (Ecclesiastes 3:11; Psalm 25:1-3), not mine.
Amen.
(Written Aug 15, 20)
