It was 0537 in the morning and I was lying in bed crying feeling heartbroken and lonely.
What what's-his-name did to me almost destroyed me. Now I am afraid of even attempting to date again. When I found out that he was seeing another woman when he was wining and dining me, I was utterly and completely devastated. You see - I am a sexual trauma survivor. Sadly, I've had more than a fare share of men being false pretenses over the years - more than enough to last a lifetime. What what's his-name did to me was the final straw.
We were friends first. Friends for a very long time. Then one day - in the midst of a divorce proceeding - he initiated an invitation and pursued me. We discussed options to make long distance arrangements to see each other as I had just moved to another State and started a new job - thinking that I could relocate in the near future, when the time was right. He invited me over to his place and I spent a week at a time on my visitation trips to see him.
What I thought was a budding developing relationship turned out to be the most devastating period of my life. I was used as a "rebound:" the act of moving quickly from a long-lasting partnership into another. He told me that I gave him back his confidence. Little did I know it was a confidence in the assurance to make his final decision of being "in a relationship" with the other woman on Facebook.
Please learn from me:
Rule #1: I recommend NOT to date a recent or in-the-process divorcee when you're looking for a long-term relationship.
If a person rushes into a relationship too soon after a failed long-term partnership/relationship or long-time failed marriage and going through a divorce, they're either on the rebound, practicing a particularly toxic version of serial monogamy, or a malignant narcissist.
What's-his-name hid that part of seeing the other woman from me until I found out two or three weeks later when he finally posted the relationship status on his Facebook page. But, that's not the thing that triggered me.
Rule #2: NEVER make assumptions.
He started pushing me away and making excuses. When I couldn't understand what was happening, I was sad and hurt and I tried harder to connect back with him. Yet, he still pushed me away. We were friends and I thought we were building a relationship, but I was wrong. I assumed we were, but in his mind he had other plans as I had later found out.
The most terrible part of it the situation was that - on the day he drove me to the airport - it was the day that she posted "in a relationship" with what's-his-name. ONE THE DAY he drove me to the airport, he hugged and kissed me and said, "I do love you."
When it finally hit me a few weeks later and I put two-and-two together, that was when I was "triggered." A trigger is a psychological stimulus that prompts recall of a previous traumatic experience. The stimulus itself need not be frightening or traumatic and may be only indirectly or superficially reminiscent of an earlier traumatic incident. Triggers can be subtle and difficult to anticipate (Wikpedia, 2020).
As a result of this betrayal, my body immediately went into severe anxiety attacks and hyper vigilance. For three full excruciating days, I couldn't get my body to calm down or stop shaking. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't focus. I didn't know what to do. I had never had an anxiety attack this bad.
I would stay up all hours praying and listening to Christian music trying to calm myself and tell myself it will be okay. I called friends that I could trust and reach out to in the wee hours of the morning for support to help me get through the excruciating minutes of each day.
For three whole days, I couldn't get my body to stop shivering and shaking. I couldn't sleep, even if I took a sleeping pill.
I was at such a low point that the darkness clouded me so heavily. I couldn't think about anything, but darkness. My mind and my heart wouldn't stop racing.
It was so unbearable. I did the only thing I could do at this point. I ended up reaching out to the Suicide Hotline because I was afraid of slipping down. I didn't have a gun, thank God. I may be qualified and can shoot, but I don't conceal and carry. I do, however, have sleeping pills.
If I had allowed myself to go down any further, into the darkness, I was afraid of slipping down and injuring myself. Getting to the place of wanting to "end it all" so much so that I would overdose on sleeping pills just to get some relief. I didn't have a plan, but I wasn't waiting around in desperation to find out if OD'ing on sleeping pills was worth it. The temptation to do something stupid that I would regret when my mind was alert and sober later was very, very alluring.
I was hurting so, so bad, but the inner warrior inside of me didn't want to give in. I just couldn't go through with it despite this unbearable struggle.
The whole emotional ordeal was so very traumatic for me. What's-his-name broke my trust and betrayed me. I became intimate with him and had been in a place of vulnerability and transparency. I was attached to him. I was sooooooo hurt that what's-his-name could hold back information from me. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding; something he was unprepared for. But then again, he was the one who made the initiation and pursued me.
Rule #3: I recommend not to let your emotions cloud your judgement. It is good to be both wise and discerning and not easily persuaded by charm and flowery words and actions. Test the person out first and don't rush into things like I did.
In the end, looking back and evaluating the situation, there were so many "red flags." I should never have said "Yes" when he asked me out. He was all wrong for me. And he had a lot of baggage, toxicity and drama all around him. He was always drunk whenever we went out. I would have to chaperone and drive home.
He kept making excuses for going to church and excuses for seeking help with divorce recovery and all the other issues I was prepared to help carry and support him with (like a dumb ass). I guess I wanted so badly to be in a relationship that I was blind to see the signs in the beginning.
One a positive note, I now understand why it is important that as a believer, to be yoked with another believer - one who shares the same faith in Christ as I do and willing to walk the same path with one another in a Christ-centered relationship. I understand how important it is to be both wise and discerning when engaging with the opposite sex above the friendship level. Most importantly, I now understand why the Scripture says, “He that finds a wife, finds a good thing” (Proverbs 18:22).
Rule #4: Do not waste your time with a man who does not know what he really wants. A man who knows what he wants, will go after it and will not jeopardize what is precious to him.
In the end, what's-his-name chose her - a woman he just met over our friendship and what I thought was a budding relationship. All the years were gone in the blink of an eye. I blocked him out of my life to spare my sanity and gain back my peace of mind. I have moved on with my head held high despite how much it has hurt me.
The hurt and the pain have been utterly excruciating. How can someone who proclaims to "love you" treat you like yesterday's leftovers? And then one day it hit me - a man like that doesn't deserve me. I am no one's backup plan or second option. And YOU shouldn't be either!
There is one Man, however, who has never failed me nor forsaken me (Hebrews 13:5).
He finds me beautiful. Wonderfully and fearfully
made (Psalm 139:14). A price far above rubies (Proverb 31:10). Worthy to die on
the Cross for me. His name is Jesus. And if you are broken like me, He beckons to you to come to Him for He heals the brokenhearted and binds up our wounds (Isaiah 61:1).
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