The Sad Reality of Now

It is 0324 in the morning and I can't sleep. 

I messed up. Gave my heart away too soon. Like a damn fool. Now, I'm going through emotional turmoil - again. Haven't I learned anything yet? Ugh, here I go again. (face palm).

Not that I asked for it, but you would think I'd learn by now not to let my heart get in the way because, like an idiot, I always get myself in trouble entangling myself with the wrong men. 

I didn't intend to meet anyone after this encounter with an emotionally unavailable man, but then this handsome, decadent, amazing dark-skinned melanin man in uniform came along. Just as Dorothy Boyd was smitten with Jerry in the film, "Jerry Maguire" - this beautiful man had me at hello. 

Let me back up for a minute before I get to the here and now. We met by way of the veteran community, an organization that serves veterans. I was deeply hurting from being attached to an emotionally unavailable man and I knew I had to detach myself from such an unhealthy, one-side relationship. It wasn't just that situation I was dealing with, but also getting attention from a few men I am not attracted to and even attention from a couple of married men at that!!! Ugh, I'm so SICK of it (sigh, long story for another time...) Anyway, my man in uniform came along at a time when I really needed to sever such an unhealthy soul tie (and distance myself from all the other blood-sucking leeches.) 

Met him back in March, but we didn't connect until a month later. We hit it off! Talked to him on the phone for 3.5 hours and we went out on a date and the date ended up being an over nighter. I should have stopped there, but a few outings turned into an amazing three-month affair however short-lived, unfortunately. The last time I saw him was when we were at a local county fair in July. 😞

Had to find out on social media (a week ago now) that he left for a year long deployment somewhere in the universe. He never came to say goodbye or tell me where I stand in his life. So now I am left with nothing but anxious thoughts, doubts and fears. I rushed too soon. It was too good to be true. 

Maybe it's best that I didn't see him because I had gotten attached to him. Really attached. I cried when he told me he and his unit got tasked to go on a one-year deployment. He never told me when he was leaving. Just a text message here and there, apologizing for being MIA (missing in action) as he was preparing to leave. 

I get it. I'm a veteran. I lived that life once. I don't completely understand how the Army National Guard operates, but I do understand for the most part the uniformed life. I remember when I was on active duty in the Navy and had to go on deployment. You are incognito and gone for months. I totally understand that - to some extent.

But, here I am on this side of it and I don't like it. I'm hanging in the air. Lost in a sea of uncertainty while past hurt and heartache haunt me and try to choke me with dismal clouds of doubt and fear. I had always desired an Army guy since 2008 (again, dreaming like a fool) and here I am, wishing for none of this and wishing that things were different. 

Just like that, he's gone. He disappeared off social media without notice and I'm left hanging in the balance to try and recollect whatever dignity I have left. Finally met a good man only to be left like I didn't matter. It's not like he called me his girlfriend or introduced me to his mom or sister. He never called our relationship official or never really put me at the top of his list - everything else took priority. Maybe I thought I was in a relationship, but I was mistaken.

So, here I am trying to pick up the pieces of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" and, sadly, move on despite this sad reality of what is. The sad reality of now. 💔 

What happened with that rebound situation back in late 2019-early 2020 still haunts me and I am plagued with high anxiety while fear and doubt gnaw away at my hopes of a future dreaming of growing old with my husband who doesn't exist. I have to accept what was and is and continue on as I have been - living my life as it was before I met him. Because that is the sad reality of now. 

I won't stop praying for him and loving and supporting him as a veteran who loves her fellow armed service members. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have to care so much so that I don't have to get hurt, but I have a big heart and my heart longs to love and be loved.

At this point of my life, however, I am done. I am done giving my heart away and/or hopefully expecting what will never be. I don't want this desire for love and marriage anymore.  It just gets me into trouble. I don't want to experience anymore heartache. I just honestly want to be left alone in peace. I don't want to be found. I no longer want desire to be pursued by a man. I no longer want to look for or be hopeful for something that will never happen. I'm tired of having my hopes up only to be disappointed. 

My heart longs for love. For a good man to finally build a relationship with where we can grow old together. But, the reality is - he's gone from my life. Who knows if I will ever see him again. My future is so uncertain. As if it isn't uncertain enough. 

(End at 05:38 am)