Looking For Eden

There is a Christian Gospel song by Donald Lawrence titled, “Back to Eden.” The song lyrically summarizes the beginning of creation in the Book of Genesis (and the Book of Ezekiel) of The Holy Bible:

“When God made man, He made a spirit
It was His plan that we live blessed
The tempter came, we were distracted
The tempter came and we fell
We were deemed to live a life that's beautiful
A life that's full, a life that's rich and plentiful
It is my goal to remind you of this principle
We're redeemed, a newborn soul”

The chorus states:
“Let's get back to Eden, live on top of the world.”

Wikipedia describes Eden as a “terrestrial garden” or “Garden of God.” (Thanks, Google!). Eden is a fruitful place; a place of pleasure.

Many scholars believe that the Garden of Eden is a mythical place. Sumerian literature believes that this place where it linked four rivers was a place where gods resided (known to be as it is today, Iraq and Afghanistan). “An etiological legend seeking to answer questions about human origin” (The Ancient History Encyclopedia, 2020).

While I thoroughly enjoy history and theology, I will not go in-depth regarding the Garden of Eden in this post. You can search for that yourself if you’re so inclined.

I titled my domain, “Looking for Eden” because I’ve spent many years since my childhood looking for “home…” Looking for love, for happiness, and stability and far, far away from toxicity and drama. Looking at life from a broken childhood perception - the little girl inside grew up to find home elsewhere. For all the beauty that life can offer - love, health, peace, abundance, prosperity….not knowing that  - after all these years - it is found in a man-turned-deity / deity-turned-into-man, Jesus Christ. All this time. I am now realizing with clarity how true peace and happiness is found. But, this revelation did not hit me over night. It has taken years to get to this place of contentment and stability.

I’ve been looking for my own version of Eden for many, many years - struggling with depression and PTSD and anxiety, but mostly depression (as related to my term of service in the military, but now finding it stems even into my childhood from some mild childhood trauma.) I say mild because other people have it worse. However, trauma is trauma, no matter how big or small the event occurred and scarred one for life.

As a Christian, I’ve been seeking what was given to me in the person of Jesus Christ. Who is this Jesus? Mannnn, I can’t even begin to explain logically how impacting He is. It is beyond all reason no matter how much my analytical brain keeps on searching for reasons.

Some things are better left unexplained.
Some things are better to be accepted as is.
Some things can only be applied in the act of faith.
Some things can only be experienced.

The Christian faith is an experience, not a religious fanatical ideology. Some may argue otherwise, but as someone who has lived a lifetime of hardship, heartbreak, disappointments, mental health issues, brokenness, being lied to, taken advantage of, talked behind my back, criticized, judged, and mistreated -  being a Christian becomes more than faith. It turns into a lifestyle - to a hope that goes beyond hope in order to see the light of day. The humanity in us was built with a resilience to withstand storms, but when fear and temptation come, the strength to refrain from faltering becomes wet with appetite for delusion that "everything will get better if I just go away. No one cares anyway." And then that is that. The end. 

Wow. That is VERY selfish of one to think in this aspect!

Life is painful. Life is very hard and cruel. We must reach within ourselves for the inner warrior inside of us and become unbreakable. As a person who has experienced trauma, stressful life events, financial stress and setbacks, heartbreak, fear and uncertainty - amongst many others who share this common toil of life often looks at life through a shattered lens. One can only view so much that eventually the crack in the glasses seem more tolerant and acceptable as the days go by. So much so that you just accept what is in bleak hope. Every day is groundhog day. You crawl into bed with a heavy weight of despair that life will always be like this - broken and irreparable. You are not living, but only existing. Existing then, for what? Life is more than humdrum hopeless groundhog repetition of the day-to-day.

Looking at life from a bleak disdain to a life that stems into this beautiful transformation - like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly... to a renewed sense of being, hope, and a blind trust in that all will be well or is... that takes strength. Strength to live another day when you don't want to or being stuck or frozen in a certain period of time where an event changed your life forever.

I have to say - if it wasn’t for Jesus - I would not be here today. I say this with such intent. I would have lost my mind a long time ago with all the failed expectations, heartbreaking situations. shattering disappointments and stressful circumstances that life often brings.

The negative and hardship experience that I endured in the Navy could have been an open door to God knows what might have led to suicidal tendencies. Even the trigger that I experienced in January 2020 could have resulted down a very dark path of suicidal influence. BUT, the resilient warrior inside me was determined not to go there and - with God’s grace - I did not. The temptation to "end it all" was very real and I was afraid of falling into that dark, deep, black hole. Something in me didn't want to, but was afraid to slip and give in. 

Giving into temptation is very easy when the eye catches it. The lure of ending the pain by hurting myself felt VERY much like the moment when Eve took a look at the forbidden fruit in Genesis Chapter 3 before she decided to take of it and eat. Which, then condemned the whole world for doing so. 

I did NOT want that to be my story. So - with a brave face - I put down my pride and reached out and asked for help.

I would be doing myself a disservice and hurt the ones I love who love me dearly - my family and my friends who have given me a beating heart.

If it wasn’t for the COUNTLESS and overwhelming love and support from such AMAZING people in my life, I would NOT be here today and I truly believe that. I had NO IDEA…absolutely no idea how much people cared and how much their love and support would be the lifeline to get out of my funk. I'm the kind of girl who will suffer silently and trudge head on even with tears in my eyes, but I dare won't let you see it! (Most of the time anyway.) Sometimes, I fail miserably at keeping it together and I just fall apart emotionally.

One can only remain strong for so long when eventually, that strength wains and falters into despair. 

Man, I tell you - kindness and love can go a long way in impacting another person’s life. PTSD and Depression can often make you feel alone and isolated. Lost in deep and dark thoughts with what appears to be no way out. It is like being clouded in a fog and it is hard to see through it. You can't even think about anything, but trying to make it through day-by-day, step-by-step, breath by breath. Only to find that it is just easier to lie down and crawl under a rock or a hole and disappear forever. 

Sometimes, it is having a feeling of unwantedness, misunderstanding and/or feeling like a burden to others. It can often make you feel misunderstood and that no one will care about what you’re thinking, experiencing or going through. BUT, I am here to tell YOU that this is a LIE.

People do CARE. You just have to connect with the RIGHT people and then ASK for help.

Even in the midst of major mental health challenges, negative thoughts, doubts and fears… in a very dark, cruel world - light still beams amongst the dark clouds. A sky full of black, grey and blue. The silver lining can barely be seen, but it’s there.

And so is hope.

 

Love you. Stay Strong.
~ M

References:
The Ancient History Encyclopedia (2020). Garden of Eden. Retrieved https://www.ancient.eu/Garden_of_Eden/.

Google (2020). The Garden of Eden. Retrieved from….well..Google, duh.