Thursday, December 24, 2020
Wednesday, December 23, 2020
It was 05:37 am - An Early Morning Mind Swirl
It was 0537 in the morning and I was lying in bed crying feeling heartbroken and lonely.
What what's-his-name did to me almost destroyed me. Now I am afraid of even attempting to date again. When I found out that he was seeing another woman when he was wining and dining me, I was utterly and completely devastated. You see - I am a sexual trauma survivor. Sadly, I've had more than a fare share of men being false pretenses over the years - more than enough to last a lifetime. What what's his-name did to me was the final straw.
We were friends first. Friends for a very long time. Then one day - in the midst of a divorce proceeding - he initiated an invitation and pursued me. We discussed options to make long distance arrangements to see each other as I had just moved to another State and started a new job - thinking that I could relocate in the near future, when the time was right. He invited me over to his place and I spent a week at a time on my visitation trips to see him.
What I thought was a budding developing relationship turned out to be the most devastating period of my life. I was used as a "rebound:" the act of moving quickly from a long-lasting partnership into another. He told me that I gave him back his confidence. Little did I know it was a confidence in the assurance to make his final decision of being "in a relationship" with the other woman on Facebook.
Please learn from me:
Rule #1: I recommend NOT to date a recent or in-the-process divorcee when you're looking for a long-term relationship.
If a person rushes into a relationship too soon after a failed long-term partnership/relationship or long-time failed marriage and going through a divorce, they're either on the rebound, practicing a particularly toxic version of serial monogamy, or a malignant narcissist.
What's-his-name hid that part of seeing the other woman from me until I found out two or three weeks later when he finally posted the relationship status on his Facebook page. But, that's not the thing that triggered me.
Rule #2: NEVER make assumptions.
He started pushing me away and making excuses. When I couldn't understand what was happening, I was sad and hurt and I tried harder to connect back with him. Yet, he still pushed me away. We were friends and I thought we were building a relationship, but I was wrong. I assumed we were, but in his mind he had other plans as I had later found out.
The most terrible part of it the situation was that - on the day he drove me to the airport - it was the day that she posted "in a relationship" with what's-his-name. ONE THE DAY he drove me to the airport, he hugged and kissed me and said, "I do love you."
When it finally hit me a few weeks later and I put two-and-two together, that was when I was "triggered." A trigger is a psychological stimulus that prompts recall of a previous traumatic experience. The stimulus itself need not be frightening or traumatic and may be only indirectly or superficially reminiscent of an earlier traumatic incident. Triggers can be subtle and difficult to anticipate (Wikpedia, 2020).
As a result of this betrayal, my body immediately went into severe anxiety attacks and hyper vigilance. For three full excruciating days, I couldn't get my body to calm down or stop shaking. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't focus. I didn't know what to do. I had never had an anxiety attack this bad.
I would stay up all hours praying and listening to Christian music trying to calm myself and tell myself it will be okay. I called friends that I could trust and reach out to in the wee hours of the morning for support to help me get through the excruciating minutes of each day.
For three whole days, I couldn't get my body to stop shivering and shaking. I couldn't sleep, even if I took a sleeping pill.
I was at such a low point that the darkness clouded me so heavily. I couldn't think about anything, but darkness. My mind and my heart wouldn't stop racing.
It was so unbearable. I did the only thing I could do at this point. I ended up reaching out to the Suicide Hotline because I was afraid of slipping down. I didn't have a gun, thank God. I may be qualified and can shoot, but I don't conceal and carry. I do, however, have sleeping pills.
If I had allowed myself to go down any further, into the darkness, I was afraid of slipping down and injuring myself. Getting to the place of wanting to "end it all" so much so that I would overdose on sleeping pills just to get some relief. I didn't have a plan, but I wasn't waiting around in desperation to find out if OD'ing on sleeping pills was worth it. The temptation to do something stupid that I would regret when my mind was alert and sober later was very, very alluring.
I was hurting so, so bad, but the inner warrior inside of me didn't want to give in. I just couldn't go through with it despite this unbearable struggle.
The whole emotional ordeal was so very traumatic for me. What's-his-name broke my trust and betrayed me. I became intimate with him and had been in a place of vulnerability and transparency. I was attached to him. I was sooooooo hurt that what's-his-name could hold back information from me. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding; something he was unprepared for. But then again, he was the one who made the initiation and pursued me.
Rule #3: I recommend not to let your emotions cloud your judgement. It is good to be both wise and discerning and not easily persuaded by charm and flowery words and actions. Test the person out first and don't rush into things like I did.
In the end, looking back and evaluating the situation, there were so many "red flags." I should never have said "Yes" when he asked me out. He was all wrong for me. And he had a lot of baggage, toxicity and drama all around him. He was always drunk whenever we went out. I would have to chaperone and drive home.
He kept making excuses for going to church and excuses for seeking help with divorce recovery and all the other issues I was prepared to help carry and support him with (like a dumb ass). I guess I wanted so badly to be in a relationship that I was blind to see the signs in the beginning.
One a positive note, I now understand why it is important that as a believer, to be yoked with another believer - one who shares the same faith in Christ as I do and willing to walk the same path with one another in a Christ-centered relationship. I understand how important it is to be both wise and discerning when engaging with the opposite sex above the friendship level. Most importantly, I now understand why the Scripture says, “He that finds a wife, finds a good thing” (Proverbs 18:22).
Rule #4: Do not waste your time with a man who does not know what he really wants. A man who knows what he wants, will go after it and will not jeopardize what is precious to him.
In the end, what's-his-name chose her - a woman he just met over our friendship and what I thought was a budding relationship. All the years were gone in the blink of an eye. I blocked him out of my life to spare my sanity and gain back my peace of mind. I have moved on with my head held high despite how much it has hurt me.
The hurt and the pain have been utterly excruciating. How can someone who proclaims to "love you" treat you like yesterday's leftovers? And then one day it hit me - a man like that doesn't deserve me. I am no one's backup plan or second option. And YOU shouldn't be either!
There is one Man, however, who has never failed me nor forsaken me (Hebrews 13:5).
He finds me beautiful. Wonderfully and fearfully
made (Psalm 139:14). A price far above rubies (Proverb 31:10). Worthy to die on
the Cross for me. His name is Jesus. And if you are broken like me, He beckons to you to come to Him for He heals the brokenhearted and binds up our wounds (Isaiah 61:1).
Dear Lord
Lord,
I feel so lost right now. Disoriented and struggling to find my purpose. I’m really struggling to know what it is You have for me. At this point in my life, I don’t know. I understand that as a single, my life is totally devoted to you and despite the desire to be married, I accept that it may not be for me. I struggle with it a lot. I think I just like the idea, but would rather be free and unattached. I accept where I am right now. I accept whatever it is that You have for me. I accept Your plans and purposes, which are greater than my own (Proverbs 16:9; Ephesians 1:11; Isaiah 46:9-10; Isaiah 55:8). I accept this season of my life (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). I accept that my life is not my own (Jeremiah 10:23).
I’m struggling to find purpose because, for the longest time- I have longed for and desired a life, which seems I cannot reach. Since Covid happened, travel has been restricted and I’m now working two part-time jobs just to maintain my sanity and mental health after having to social distance for months!!
Father,
I accept who You made me to be - even though I’m struggling to know what that is. I know who I am, but who am I for which You have me to do? I know my identity, but the question is - what does the “Who” have to do with my purpose? And, what is my purpose? Is this all making sense???
I’m struggling to find out the purpose in it all - all the heartbreak, disappointments and failures in some areas of my life - in my personal, professional and business endeavors. Struggling to understand why my life has not gone the way I’ve wanted it to...why a good life comes so easily to others. but so heartbreakingly disappointing for me. My life has taken a whole new direction. A whole new place and city.
I accept my past. I am where I am today because of You. Even though the past keeps trying to rear its ugly head, I carry on like a good soldier fighting the good fight of faith (1 Timothy 6:12).
I accept that I’ve made so many bad decisions and mistakes in my life - I mean, look at what happened with what's-his-name, for example. I didn’t see or refused to see the red flags because I wanted a relationship and thought he was a god-send. He really did look the part, but looking back on it now with sober eyes - there was too much baggage and toxicity.
My experience in the military, for example...made me a better and more grateful person, I admit. I really, truly appreciate the American way of life and all the luxuries that America offers. I’m proud to be an American. Sure, I’ve learned from hardship and the sacrifices we make leads to good character building and a love and appreciation for everything I have. See? Bad decisions can turn out good.
Mistakes, on the other hand. Oh man, the errors I make at work, for example. I do my best to uphold perfectionism in all I do. Not perfectionism. I mean, to be excellent in all I do. But, when I fall short, oh man - I’m too hard on myself and I eat up the ugliness of my mistakes like a terrible butt-whoopin’. I accept that it’s a part of the journey of life, however (Romans 8:28).
I accept both my ups and downs. Life happens and I understand that the downs are part of the journey of life (Romans 8:28). I accept all that You have for me, Lord. Your plans, which are plans of good, not evil (Jeremiah 29:11). To give me a hope and a future, and an expected end (Jeremiah 29:11). Even though I cannot see it and not sure how to find my way. I accept and trust that You make all things beautiful in Your time (Ecclesiastes 3:11; Psalm 25:1-3), not mine.
Amen.
(Written Aug 15, 20)
Thursday, December 17, 2020
Looking For Eden
There is a Christian Gospel song by Donald Lawrence titled, “Back to Eden.” The song lyrically summarizes the beginning of creation in the Book of Genesis (and the Book of Ezekiel) of The Holy Bible:
“When God made man, He made a spirit
It was His plan that we live blessed
The tempter came, we were distracted
The tempter came and we fell
We were deemed to live a life that's beautiful
A life that's full, a life that's rich and plentiful
It is my goal to remind you of this principle
We're redeemed, a newborn soul”
The chorus states:
“Let's get back to Eden, live on top of the world.”
Wikipedia describes Eden as a “terrestrial garden” or “Garden of God.” (Thanks, Google!). Eden is a fruitful place; a place of pleasure.
Many scholars believe that the Garden of Eden is a mythical place. Sumerian literature believes that this place where it linked four rivers was a place where gods resided (known to be as it is today, Iraq and Afghanistan). “An etiological legend seeking to answer questions about human origin” (The Ancient History Encyclopedia, 2020).
While I thoroughly enjoy history and theology, I will not go in-depth regarding the Garden of Eden in this post. You can search for that yourself if you’re so inclined.
I titled my domain, “Looking for Eden” because I’ve spent many years since my childhood looking for “home…” Looking for love, for happiness, and stability and far, far away from toxicity and drama. Looking at life from a broken childhood perception - the little girl inside grew up to find home elsewhere. For all the beauty that life can offer - love, health, peace, abundance, prosperity….not knowing that - after all these years - it is found in a man-turned-deity / deity-turned-into-man, Jesus Christ. All this time. I am now realizing with clarity how true peace and happiness is found. But, this revelation did not hit me over night. It has taken years to get to this place of contentment and stability.
I’ve been looking for my own version of Eden for many, many years - struggling with depression and PTSD and anxiety, but mostly depression (as related to my term of service in the military, but now finding it stems even into my childhood from some mild childhood trauma.) I say mild because other people have it worse. However, trauma is trauma, no matter how big or small the event occurred and scarred one for life.
As a Christian, I’ve been seeking what was given to me in the person of Jesus Christ. Who is this Jesus? Mannnn, I can’t even begin to explain logically how impacting He is. It is beyond all reason no matter how much my analytical brain keeps on searching for reasons.
Some things are better left unexplained.
Some things are better to be accepted as is.
Some things can only be applied in the act of faith.
Some things can only be experienced.
The Christian faith is an experience, not a religious fanatical ideology. Some may argue otherwise, but as someone who has lived a lifetime of hardship, heartbreak, disappointments, mental health issues, brokenness, being lied to, taken advantage of, talked behind my back, criticized, judged, and mistreated - being a Christian becomes more than faith. It turns into a lifestyle - to a hope that goes beyond hope in order to see the light of day. The humanity in us was built with a resilience to withstand storms, but when fear and temptation come, the strength to refrain from faltering becomes wet with appetite for delusion that "everything will get better if I just go away. No one cares anyway." And then that is that. The end.
Wow. That is VERY selfish of one to think in this aspect!
Life is painful. Life is very hard and cruel. We must reach within ourselves for the inner warrior inside of us and become unbreakable. As a person who has experienced trauma, stressful life events, financial stress and setbacks, heartbreak, fear and uncertainty - amongst many others who share this common toil of life often looks at life through a shattered lens. One can only view so much that eventually the crack in the glasses seem more tolerant and acceptable as the days go by. So much so that you just accept what is in bleak hope. Every day is groundhog day. You crawl into bed with a heavy weight of despair that life will always be like this - broken and irreparable. You are not living, but only existing. Existing then, for what? Life is more than humdrum hopeless groundhog repetition of the day-to-day.
Looking at life from a bleak disdain to a life that stems into this beautiful transformation - like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly... to a renewed sense of being, hope, and a blind trust in that all will be well or is... that takes strength. Strength to live another day when you don't want to or being stuck or frozen in a certain period of time where an event changed your life forever.
I have to say - if it wasn’t for Jesus - I would not be here today. I say this with such intent. I would have lost my mind a long time ago with all the failed expectations, heartbreaking situations. shattering disappointments and stressful circumstances that life often brings.
The negative and hardship experience that I endured in the Navy could have been an open door to God knows what might have led to suicidal tendencies. Even the trigger that I experienced in January 2020 could have resulted down a very dark path of suicidal influence. BUT, the resilient warrior inside me was determined not to go there and - with God’s grace - I did not. The temptation to "end it all" was very real and I was afraid of falling into that dark, deep, black hole. Something in me didn't want to, but was afraid to slip and give in.
Giving into temptation is very easy when the eye catches it. The lure of ending the pain by hurting myself felt VERY much like the moment when Eve took a look at the forbidden fruit in Genesis Chapter 3 before she decided to take of it and eat. Which, then condemned the whole world for doing so.
I did NOT want that to be my story. So - with a brave face - I put down my pride and reached out and asked for help.
I would be doing myself a disservice and hurt the ones I love who love me dearly - my family and my friends who have given me a beating heart.
If it wasn’t for the COUNTLESS and overwhelming love and support from such AMAZING people in my life, I would NOT be here today and I truly believe that. I had NO IDEA…absolutely no idea how much people cared and how much their love and support would be the lifeline to get out of my funk. I'm the kind of girl who will suffer silently and trudge head on even with tears in my eyes, but I dare won't let you see it! (Most of the time anyway.) Sometimes, I fail miserably at keeping it together and I just fall apart emotionally.
One can only remain strong for so long when eventually, that strength wains and falters into despair.
Man, I tell you - kindness and love can go a long way in impacting another person’s life. PTSD and Depression can often make you feel alone and isolated. Lost in deep and dark thoughts with what appears to be no way out. It is like being clouded in a fog and it is hard to see through it. You can't even think about anything, but trying to make it through day-by-day, step-by-step, breath by breath. Only to find that it is just easier to lie down and crawl under a rock or a hole and disappear forever.
Sometimes, it is having a feeling of unwantedness, misunderstanding and/or feeling like a burden to others. It can often make you feel misunderstood and that no one will care about what you’re thinking, experiencing or going through. BUT, I am here to tell YOU that this is a LIE.
People do CARE. You just have to connect with the RIGHT people and then ASK for help.
Even in the midst of major mental health challenges, negative thoughts, doubts and fears… in a very dark, cruel world - light still beams amongst the dark clouds. A sky full of black, grey and blue. The silver lining can barely be seen, but it’s there.
And so is hope.
Love you. Stay Strong.
~ M
References:
The Ancient History Encyclopedia (2020). Garden of Eden. Retrieved https://www.ancient.eu/Garden_of_Eden/.
Google (2020). The Garden of Eden. Retrieved from….well..Google, duh.
Saturday, December 12, 2020
Dear Diary ~ 2020 Edition
In ❄️ January, 🔥 Australia caught on fire. I don’t even know if that fire was put out, because we straight up almost went to war with Iran 🇮🇷 . We might actually still be almost at war with them 🤔. I don’t know, because 👩 Jen Aniston and 👨🏻 Brad Pitt spoke to one another at an awards 🏆 show and everyone flipped out 😲, but then there was this thing happening in 🦇 🇨🇳 China, then 👑 Prince Harry and Megan ✌🏼 peaced out of the Royal family, and there was the whole impeachment trial 👩⚖️ , and then corona virus 🦠 showed up in the US ✔️“officially,” but then 🏀 Kobe died 😭and UK 🇬🇧 peaced out of the European Union.
In February, 🌽 Iowa crapped 💩 itself with the caucus results and the president was acquitted and the 👩🏼💼Speaker of the House took ten. Whole. years. to rip up a speech , but then The👨🔬 🌎WHO decided to give this virus a name COVID-19, which confused 🤔some really important people 👔 in charge of, like, our lives, into thinking there were 18 other versions before it, but then Harvey Weinstein was found guilty👨🏻⚖️, and 🇺🇸 Americans started asking if Corona beer 🍺 was safe to drink🤦🏻♀️, and everyone on Facebook became a doctor 👨⚕️ who just knew the 🤒flu like killed way more people than COVID 1 through 18.
In March, stuff hit the fan👿. Warren dropped out of the presidential race and Sanders was like Bernie or bust 💥, but then Italy 🇮🇹 shut its whole country down 🚷, and then COVID Not 1 through 18 officially become what everyone already realized, a 😱pandemic and then a nationwide state of emergency 🆘was declared in US 🇺🇸 , but it didn’t really change anything, so everyone was confused or thought it was still just a flu 💁🏻♀️, but then COVID Not 18 was like ya’ll not taking me seriously? 💡 I’m gonna infect the one celebrity everyone loves and totally infected Tom Hanks👨🏻, get y’all to close all of the schools so y’all can 🙏🏼 appreciate teachers 👩🏫 for once (because you can’t teach them anything other than how to use a touch screen🤦🏻♀️ ) close down all of salons so you can’t get your 💇♂️ hair or your nails done💅 , everyone had to work from home and attend Zoom meetings in their underwear. The 📉 DOW took a crap 💩 on itself, and most of us still don’t understand why the stock market is so important or even a thing 🤔 We were then all introduced to 🐅 Tiger King and the ONE thing we can all agree on this year , 👍🏼Carol totally killed her husband⚰️ ..... whacked him! And then Netflix was like you’re welcome, and we all realized there was no way we were washing our hands enough in the first place because all of our hands are now dry and gross and were all searching for lotion now.
In 🌧 April, Bernie finally busted✌🏼 himself out of the presidential race 🏃 , but then NYC 🗽became the set of The Walking Dead 💀 and we learned that no one has face masks 😷, ventilators, or toilet paper, or THE FREAKING SWIFFER WET JET LIQUID , and by now our 🦁outgrowth is showing, so there’s a shortage on 📦 box hair dye and all of our hair dressers are like , 😱 NO DONT DO IT!!! But, then Kim Jong-Un died, but then he came back to life … or did he? Who knows, because then the Pentagon released 🎥 videos of UFOs and nobody cared, and we were like man, it’s only April….
In 💐 May, the biblical end times kicked off , historical locust swarms, we learned of murder hornets 🐝 and realized that 2020 was the start of the Hunger Games🙈 however people forgot to let us know. people legit started to protest lockdown measures with 🔫 AR-15s, 🏀⚾️sports events were cancelled everywhere. But then people all over America finally reached a breaking point with race issues and violence. There were 🗣protests in every city🌃 ,which was confusing to some of us because people were definitely gathering in 👫crowds of more than 🖐🏼🤚🏼10 and for sure closer than 6 foot away ⬅️➡️from each other . Those people must have forgotten about the 😖pandemic called COVID Not One Through 18. Media 📺 🗞 struggled with how to 🤬focus on two important things at once, people in general struggle to focus on more than one important thing. A dead whale 🐋 was found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest 🌳 after monkeys 🐒 stole COVID 1 Through 19 from a lab 🔬 and ran off with them, and either in May or April (no one is keeping track of time now) that a giant asteroid ☄️ narrowly missed the Earth🌍.
In ☀️ June, science and common sense just got thrown 🤾🏼 straight out the window and somehow 😷 wearing masks became a 🏛political thing, but then everyone sort of remembered there was a pandemic, but then decided that not wearing a mask was somehow a ✝️God given right (still haven't found that part in the bible or even in the constitution). then 👨🔬scientists announced they found a mysterious undiscovered mass at the center of the earth, and everyone was like 🙅🏽♂️🙅🏻♀️🚧DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT, but then everyone took a pause to realize that people actually believed Gone With The Wind 💨 was like non-fiction, but then it was also announced that there is a strange 🛰radio signal coming from somewhere in the universe 🌌 that repeats itself every so many days 🗓 , and everyone was like 👽 DON’T YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH IT‼️🚫 but then America reopened 🙌🏼from the shut down that actually wasn’t even a shut down, and so far, things have gone spectacularly .... not that great 👎🏼. All of the Karen’s came out at once, and people started tearing down 🔨 statues. Everyone is on Facebook arguing 🤼♀️ that masks kill because no one knows how breathing works 👃🏼, but then Florida 🏖 was like hold my beer 🍺 and let me show you how we’re number one 🥇 in all things, including new Not Corona Beer Coronavirus. Trump 👱🏻♂️decides now is a good time to ask the Supreme Court 🏛 to shut down ❌Obama Care because what better time to do so than in the middle of a pandemic 💁🏻♀️ , but then we learned there was a massive dust cloud ☁️ coming straight at us 📍from the Sahara Desert 🐫 , which is totally normal, but this is 2020, so the 👻 ghost mummy thing is most likely in that dust cloud. We then 📚 learned of meth-gators 🐊 , and I'm like that is so not on my flipping 2020 Bingo card 😡 can we use it as the free space?? 🤷🏻 Then we learned that the Congo's worst ever Ebola 🚨 outbreak is over 😓, and we were all like, there was an Ebola outbreak that was the worse ever? 👀 ... and don’t forget we just discovered FLYING SNAKES! 🐍, seriously! FLYING SNAKES!!!!
So here comes July…. at this point we are over it , just tell us what’s next .... 👽 Aliens? 🔱Zeus? ☄️ Asteroids? Artificial Intelligence becomes self aware? Can it just be something cool 😎 or fun for once? Maybe even a good laugh , like hahaha 😂 April Fools! We all actually wouldn’t mind that joke at this point.
Will she make it to trial? Probably not.
Also, why didn't I know about the whale in the Amazon? Or a few other things because I just can’t keep up anymore!
But I’m sharing it because as long as we make it through 2020, I really want this to pop back up in the memories a few years from now.
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A Few Facts About Me
Single, 40-Something and I Have Given Up Looking For Prince Charming.
Greetings Fellow Reader.
Thank you for stumbling upon my blog. Every inspiring writer has to start somewhere so I am starting here as a woman sharing a part of her life in hopes of helping another not feel so alone, as I have often felt.
I was born and raised on the west coast. I live a small town life in the Midwest trying to find my place and peace in this world. I am a Christian and a dual-service military veteran. Even though I transitioned out of the military in 2005, I have been spending the last 15 years transitioning and adjusting from one job to another, one living situation to another, and from one life event to another, living in survival mode. I'm a survivor of military sexual trauma. I have endured a broken life; life's heartaches, disappointments, and setbacks. I'm a survivor and warrior against Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), depression and anxiety and I refuse to let it dictate my life.
I've spent many years in depression, floating around life trying to figure out how to adjust and settle down instead of being a nomad with no place to call home and burying myself in work just to function and survive. In the military, I was conditioned to work and focus on "mission first, everything else later." I have taken it into my adulthood as a link to some kind of normalcy and functionality for living when, in reality, I was deeply hurting inside and struggling trying to find home. To find peace and joy with no end in sight.
Today, I have chosen to proactively move forward and I endeavor to get past a "survival mode" into a thriving mode, working towards my dreams and goals of the abundant life that Jesus came to give (John 10:10) - whatever that means: eternal joy, peace, prosperity and the pleasures of life, instead of sadness, brokenness and heartbreak. It's time to go back to Eden and start living on top of the world.
I invite you to join me in this journey of my life through my writing - not only to record important thoughts and moments that life may bring, but also to inspire someone else out there through my life and maybe learn some things from me and spare you some stupidity, heartache and mistakes :-).
This blog contains external links to other articles, notes, and subjects of interest that might be related to my blog in some kind of way. At times, my blog will contain affiliate links and other ways to try and earn some kind of extra income. I'm trying to get out of debt while trying to survive on two part-time jobs and disability. I'm a worker and I have to work to function.
Everyone has a story. Please allow me to share mine with you and maybe within the pages, you will find your needle amongst a heavy haystack. :-)
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The Sad Reality of Now
It is 0324 in the morning and I can't sleep. I messed up. Gave my heart away too soon. Like a damn fool. Now, I'm going through emo...
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