The Sad Reality of Now

It is 0324 in the morning and I can't sleep. 

I messed up. Gave my heart away too soon. Like a damn fool. Now, I'm going through emotional turmoil - again. Haven't I learned anything yet? Ugh, here I go again. (face palm).

Not that I asked for it, but you would think I'd learn by now not to let my heart get in the way because, like an idiot, I always get myself in trouble entangling myself with the wrong men. 

I didn't intend to meet anyone after this encounter with an emotionally unavailable man, but then this handsome, decadent, amazing dark-skinned melanin man in uniform came along. Just as Dorothy Boyd was smitten with Jerry in the film, "Jerry Maguire" - this beautiful man had me at hello. 

Let me back up for a minute before I get to the here and now. We met by way of the veteran community, an organization that serves veterans. I was deeply hurting from being attached to an emotionally unavailable man and I knew I had to detach myself from such an unhealthy, one-side relationship. It wasn't just that situation I was dealing with, but also getting attention from a few men I am not attracted to and even attention from a couple of married men at that!!! Ugh, I'm so SICK of it (sigh, long story for another time...) Anyway, my man in uniform came along at a time when I really needed to sever such an unhealthy soul tie (and distance myself from all the other blood-sucking leeches.) 

Met him back in March, but we didn't connect until a month later. We hit it off! Talked to him on the phone for 3.5 hours and we went out on a date and the date ended up being an over nighter. I should have stopped there, but a few outings turned into an amazing three-month affair however short-lived, unfortunately. The last time I saw him was when we were at a local county fair in July. 😞

Had to find out on social media (a week ago now) that he left for a year long deployment somewhere in the universe. He never came to say goodbye or tell me where I stand in his life. So now I am left with nothing but anxious thoughts, doubts and fears. I rushed too soon. It was too good to be true. 

Maybe it's best that I didn't see him because I had gotten attached to him. Really attached. I cried when he told me he and his unit got tasked to go on a one-year deployment. He never told me when he was leaving. Just a text message here and there, apologizing for being MIA (missing in action) as he was preparing to leave. 

I get it. I'm a veteran. I lived that life once. I don't completely understand how the Army National Guard operates, but I do understand for the most part the uniformed life. I remember when I was on active duty in the Navy and had to go on deployment. You are incognito and gone for months. I totally understand that - to some extent.

But, here I am on this side of it and I don't like it. I'm hanging in the air. Lost in a sea of uncertainty while past hurt and heartache haunt me and try to choke me with dismal clouds of doubt and fear. I had always desired an Army guy since 2008 (again, dreaming like a fool) and here I am, wishing for none of this and wishing that things were different. 

Just like that, he's gone. He disappeared off social media without notice and I'm left hanging in the balance to try and recollect whatever dignity I have left. Finally met a good man only to be left like I didn't matter. It's not like he called me his girlfriend or introduced me to his mom or sister. He never called our relationship official or never really put me at the top of his list - everything else took priority. Maybe I thought I was in a relationship, but I was mistaken.

So, here I am trying to pick up the pieces of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" and, sadly, move on despite this sad reality of what is. The sad reality of now. 💔 

What happened with that rebound situation back in late 2019-early 2020 still haunts me and I am plagued with high anxiety while fear and doubt gnaw away at my hopes of a future dreaming of growing old with my husband who doesn't exist. I have to accept what was and is and continue on as I have been - living my life as it was before I met him. Because that is the sad reality of now. 

I won't stop praying for him and loving and supporting him as a veteran who loves her fellow armed service members. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have to care so much so that I don't have to get hurt, but I have a big heart and my heart longs to love and be loved.

At this point of my life, however, I am done. I am done giving my heart away and/or hopefully expecting what will never be. I don't want this desire for love and marriage anymore.  It just gets me into trouble. I don't want to experience anymore heartache. I just honestly want to be left alone in peace. I don't want to be found. I no longer want desire to be pursued by a man. I no longer want to look for or be hopeful for something that will never happen. I'm tired of having my hopes up only to be disappointed. 

My heart longs for love. For a good man to finally build a relationship with where we can grow old together. But, the reality is - he's gone from my life. Who knows if I will ever see him again. My future is so uncertain. As if it isn't uncertain enough. 

(End at 05:38 am)

Loving an Emotionally Unavailable Man: Learning to Let Go of What Could Have Been Instead of What Is

 

Fast forward over a year later after my stint as a rebound, here I am once again caught up in a tangled affair of stupid, foolish dreaming, wishful thinking and what could have been instead of what was and is. I was literally caught up in the potential of it all. 

You see, I have been "in love" with this man in particular since we reconnected in 2015. He was everything I wanted in a man - masculine, old world, hard working, a good provider to his children as a single father and a protector. 

We had served in the Navy many years ago so I felt this special bond with him. So when I moved to the same city he lived in due to a new job, I was so happy and ecstatic that I would be where he is. I had loved him from afar and now I could be even more closer to making my dream that much more closer to a reality. 

Instead of a dream come true, however, it became a nightmare. I have been on the worst roller coaster ride of my life over the last two weeks since I slept with him.

You see - I was too blind to see what I see now - that he is an emotionally unavailable man, incapable of giving me what I want and need. Too selfish to trust and too selfish to let go of his ego and pride and take a chance with me (or any other woman he has pursued). He never pursued me. I thought we had a pretty good solid friendship, but looking back now - I see there really was no solid anything. Only his selfishness and self-absorbed pain.

He was never really there for me anyway. Never did anything to pursue me. Instead, I was pursuing him. I sooooo wanted a relationship with him that I became a pursuer even when I wasn't intending to be. He has been the most perplexing puzzle of a man since I met him that he was just so hard to read and figure out. 

He intrigued me and I wanted to know him more. Every chance I could find to go see him, I took advantage of the opportunity. I had done this for the last two years, always patiently in the background while he pursued other women dating around. I, of course, didn't know - except that his kids would sometimes blurt something out about them trying to make him marry so-and-so. 

As a matter of fact, two weeks ago, I had found that he had a girl friend (or he did), according to his youngest son who they were trying to set up and get him to marry. I felt so foolish that day because I wanted to see him and spend time with him. When I found that out, I held it together until I got into my Jeep and cried on my way home. I felt like such a fool. Little did I know how foolish I'd get even later, but I'll get to that point in a minute.

Anyway, I am a communicator and I like to communicate my thoughts, feelings and intentions heavily in texting and writing. I apologized to him regarding my foolish attempt to spend time with him when he already had a girl friend. But then he went on to say that it didn't work out. 

I see now why it didn't and why he will never be able to be in a relationship. He is incapable of love. Too stubborn to let down his guard because he has been burned so many times. And I haven't? I mean, we share so much in common. 

He gave me a pretty good sob story of how he has been hurt and damaged and my heart went out to him. I hurt for him. That's when the "hook, line, and sinker" entered. He reeled me in to come to him at 01:30 in the morning to have the most amazing, passionate sex I ever had with a man. He was so considerate. Gentle, yet rough. Very sensual and sexual - it was like my whole body caught on fire and my feelings for him intensified even more. Two hours. I had never had sex that much with a man. He was amazing. Left his imprint on me and left my body in want for days afterwards. 

The next few days, however, would spin me into a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows in which he could not comprehend because he simply cannot. I had never in my life had a man affect me the way he did and I haven't been able to eat, sleep or concentrate on anything, but him. Oh, how much more I wanted of him! Despite all the conflicted thoughts and feelings in-between this wanderlust fantasy and reality. 

Because I became this emotional overwhelming whirlwind, he began to give me the cold shoulder. No matter what I said, how many times I apologized or tried to reason with him, he pulled away and had become more distant with me. I blamed myself. I was under the impression that things were starting to turn out in a somewhat good direction, but now I see that I was just being stupid and hopeful. 

In reality, an emotionally unavailable man does not care for your feelings or emotions. He simply cannot because there is no emotional attachment. The primitive part of his nature has no relation to emotional reasonings or feelings.

No matter how many times I tried to explain myself, encourage him, apologize for upsetting him and/or get him to open up or at least initiate another encounter or date with me, nothing. He would read my messages and not respond. If it was something other than "us," I could get a peep or two of an answer, but that's about it.

Otherwise, I was on a one-sided conversation. He was never much of a conversationalist over text or messaging, but a great person to talk to in-person. Since we had been so intimate together, we had such a great talk after we made love. I loved being around him. He has such a masculine presence that it can be intoxicating. It was the most beautiful thing. Unfortunately, it was short-lived. 

I just couldn't understand him. No matter how many times I Googled "why is he so silent," "why is he so distant," "When he says he's not ready for a relationship," and/or "when he says he's not good for you" or "what to do with an emotionally unavailable man," I still find myself being filled with more questions than answers. I read article after article trying to understand how a complicated man could be such a total fucktard and put me on an emotional roller coaster ride without so much a care about my well-being.

After many messages of trying to explain myself and relate to his level (hello - wounded woman over here always putting her heart out there like a damn fool), he just wouldn't budge. 

So yesterday, I finally found the courage to leave. I was afraid to let him go. I didn't want to let him go because I do love him. Or the version of him that I planted in my mind. I wanted "us," but "us" would never be. And that is the cold, hard truth - loving an emotionally unavailable man is like having a one-sided relationship. As if you're talking to a brick wall. You'll never get anywhere with a man like that.

I finally made the decision to cut all ties with him and block him out of my life for good so I can get my sanity and peace of mind back. It hurts like HELL, but I am worth more than this. I chose me over him and what could be to loving myself enough to walk away with my dignity still intact. Some things are just meant to be without closure. 

I had tried to reason with him. I had tried to get through to him. All my efforts were to no avail. An emotionally unavailable man like him will not find anything safe in your words or actions to help him open up. He will continue to distance himself and leave you feeling worse than before, second guessing everything and making you run around with anxiety wanting to "fix" it all.

If you are in love with an emotionally unavailable man, PLEASE, PLEASE walk away. It's not worth it. You can't change him. You won't be able to, no matter how much you try. He has to recognize it in himself that he needs help, seek help and deal with the root of his emotional abandonment, and to love himself before he can love someone else.

If you are in a relationship or attempting a relationship with a man or woman who is not emotionally available - let him or her go. For your sake and your sanity. Do yourself a favor - spare yourself and your sanity and walk away.

There is someone else more deserving of you than this total selfish, fucktard. Go live your life and enjoy it toxic-free.

Part Two: Destination "Gem City" - Quincy, Illinois: 9/11 Memorial

Greetings My Fellow Reader:

I hope you're having a wonderful week! We made it to Friday! Or, as I like to say, "Happy Fri-Yay!" 😁

Well, my stay has been short-lived and now I am getting ready to head off to the next town on my mini excursion. Sometimes, as life happens, you just need a break and to get away. I encourage you to set aside some time and a budget strictly for what we would call in the military - "RnR"or "Rest and Relaxation" after a long deployment or Temporary Duty (known as a TDY). I am finding in my own life the importance of incorporating self-care and finding a balance between work, life, home and family. 

I have spent a lot of time working and it has been ingrained in me since my younger days, when I was a 19-year-old in the United States Navy. You learn to become a Jack of All Trades and to multi-task as a professional in your related career field and other extracurricular duties, which also includes cleaning. When it comes to working and cleaning, the military is great at providing such discipline and instruction. When you are an 18-year-old with an open-mind and easy-going personality, that means you are easily impressionable and coachable. That was me. 

As such, I have carried a lot of that discipline with me over the years. Sometimes, my absent-mindedness gets in the way, but that's because as someone who has struggled with mental health and workaholic-ism (is there such a word?), I am finding that I need mental breaks often, which leads me to my final entry of my stay in the Gem City of Quincy. 

I am a traveler and enjoy even the smallest towns and places I would never have thought to travel to, such as Quincy. Who would want to go here? Well, for starters - while venturing out I came across an interesting tidbit of the history of this place. I found a piece of the World Trade Center, which has been given to this city due to some of the factory pieces that were made right here. 

As a matter of fact - if you can read the inscription on the photo - this piece was part of the Antenna Tower, which was located at the rooftop of the WTC Building  #1. It was destroyed during the tragic events of 9/11.

As young, local kids were walking along the street on their way home from school and amongst other local passersby, I stood there for a moment with a sobering expression and thought about that day all those years ago. We are now embarking on 20 years of this tragic anniversary. I was on terminal leave from the Navy living in Orlando, Florida when it happened. I looked at the plane that ran into the second tower on Fox News and was in a state of surreal shock. In my mind, I was thinking, "Is that real?" "This has to be a movie." Unfortunately, it was not. Both towers were hit and you could see the building crumble down with smoke, soot and facility material as the world watched in horror. 

I was feeling sort of bitter about the Navy and I was waiting to get my honorable discharge paperwork known as a "DD-214" in a few days. When the towers were hit, despite my angst against the Navy, this military bearing rose up within me and I wanted to go back in. This time, I was going to see an Air Force recruiter and inquire about joining. 

When I finally received my DD-214 from the Navy, my dad took me to the recruiting office in Kissimmee, Florida where I asked the Air Force Recruiter if they were taking prior service members? He said "yes," and I signed up. 

Though I was a former service member freshly out of the service, I was required to go through the Military Entrance Processing station known as "MEPS" once again. I was scheduled to go through the process in December 2001. MEPS is the first stop for recruits entering military service in the United States when young people first sign up to join the military to assess an applicant's physical qualifications, aptitude and moral standards as set by each branch of military service, the Department of Defense and federal law. 

As usual, I passed with "flying colors" so we say.  A term or common idiom in the military we use to describe how well someone has completed a task or passed the test easily or with an exceptionally high score. I was 22 years old when I was crossing over into the Air Force. I didn't know where the road ahead was leading me, but I was excited about my new venture and I put my faith in God that He was leading me where I needed to go. 

I "shipped out" to Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas for a two-week prior service introduction on April 11, 2002.  From there I would head to a six-week technical school for the career field I chose as a Command Post Controller and off to Edwards Air Force Base for my first and only duty station as a Senior Airman in the United States Air Force. 

But that is another story.

Destination "Gem City," Illinois - The Air BnB Experience

🚀 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 ....Blast Off!!

So I have embarked upon a mini excursion after a long two weeks at both of my part-time jobs. My boss was like, "You're quite the solo adventurer, aren't you?" Yes - that I am!! I am not afraid of being by myself and going places by myself, enjoying my own company! 😊 

After all, this is me - single, never married (and will probably live forever alone), but I don't mind at all. I accept that and I enjoy spending time with myself. 

That's why I started this blog - for single, never married women like me sharing in each other's adventures as singles - about all our hopes, fears, dreams and life in-between.

So anyway, I am passing through a city known as “Gem City” on my mini getaway - Quincy, IL. Truly stated - it is a gem of a place! Located on the banks of the Mississippi River with a populace of over 40,000, it is rich in history with an amazing bucket list of things to do! This is part 1 of my adventure.

--> See Quincy 

I'm staying in this really cool Air BnB hosted by Patrick.

The Famous Han Solo in Carbonite

This Air BnB is simply amazing for the price! It is nestled on Main Street so you are within walking distance to some amazing shops and a restaurant like The Main Course.  See Pat's Guidebook for more.

It mirrors something like a flat (a term used in the United Kingdom/Britain) where there are a set of rooms that are on the same floor and are meant to be used as a personal residence. The building is an old structure from the early 1900's and was once a department store, but is now a nicely renovated living space. A spacious "Comic-Con-meets-Big-Bang-Theory" style of living.

Patrick is known as an Air BnB Super Host and I now know why. He was very cordial and laid back: a “Mi casa es su casa” kinda vibe. 

The place itself is huge! What an AMAZING loft and very spacious.

As you walk up the stairs to the main floor, there is a wall full of awesome nostalgic music and entertainment memorabilia and art that decorate the space. From grunge, punk rock and rock/metal band concert posters to Star Wars memorabilia and even a statue of Marvel's Silver Surfer hangs by the bay window.

Each Air BnB room has a theme. I stayed in the personal Space Capsule themed private room. 

The Space Capsule room is small and quaint, but very, very cozy. The bed is so comfortable and very spacious. I thoroughly enjoyed the bed and how cozy it felt like a little secret nook because of the bed pod chamber. The metal walls makes it feel like you’re in an industrial warehouse (well, you are..sort of), but the nostalgic memorabilia of Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon take you back to a more simpler time before the CGI tech and the dot com era.

There is a common area with air hockey and billiards and other very cool themed rooms so the space is huge! There are two restrooms to choose from. I chose the bigger one with the black tiled bath/shower and brown stone tile flooring. Shampoo and body wash is available. Very nice bathroom, but - as with any inhabited space - it is dirty. 

There is a full galley kitchen you can utilize with supplies and courtesy refreshments (coffee, water, tea). BUT, don't expect it to be spick-spot clean! The kitchen has been used and it's dirty. Sorry Pat, but it is nasty.

It is a very cool place to stay for a great price, but don’t expect maid service. You’re on your own to clean up after your mess. Bring your own cleaning supplies if you want. I did. If I'm going to use an inhabited common area that others don't clean up after themselves, then it's up to you to ensure you operate at the level of integrity and cleanliness as you would expect and expect of yourself.

I know I expect that much of myself. I still carry with my today the honor system of military discipline and leadership. I still live by the Air Force core values of Integrity First, Service Before Self and Excellence in All I Do - no matter what I’m doing - be it paperwork, creating or revising resumes, and/or serving as a waitress or cleaning up after a long shift. To operate in this capacity is to be a part of something that serves to uphold the enhancement of humanity and the quality of life as we endeavor to do when we serve a purpose greater than ourselves. 

Most people don't think about or consider their environment and hospitable politeness. Most people usually just live sloppy and carelessly as I have found living with other people over the years. I'm not perfect and I am a mess, but one thing that I CANNOT STAND is a nasty kitchen and bathroom so I guess you can say I have a minor OCD problem. But anyway, enough of that.

This place is great if you don’t want to stay in a hotel and pay hotel prices. If you’re passing through town and you don't mind living with other guests hearing their footsteps on creeky wood flooring, consider staying at this locale - you won’t be disappointed! 

PLEASE NOTE: This Air BnB is NOT recommended for persons with disabilities nor Obsessive Cleaning Disorder individuals with a phobia for germs and uncleanliness and who have a need for spotless and squeaky clean spaces.

 

Ta-ta for now!

A Letter to My Dog

 

 

It has been one week since you passed away and I have been so sad. The crying comes in waves. Today, I sobbed so hard as I've done since you've been gone. It's hard not having you in my life. I feel so lost without you. 😭💔

You came into my life at just the right time - at the height of my service-connected VA disability compensation. You were my emotional support buddy and my traveling buddy. My quirky, peculiar Princess. Thank you for adding so much to my life and everyone else who had a chance to meet you. I will miss you so much. I love you. 

 

Forever in my heart.

 

R.I.P L 

(2009-2021)

 

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Hello Beer, My Old Friend. I've Come To Hang Out With You Again.

In the military, alcohol "comes with the territory" as the saying goes. For most anyway. In the Navy especially. Sailors - and the military in general - have a harsh reputation with alcohol. Mostly centered around negative connotations of irresponsible and erratic behavior that follow those under the influence who can't handle their liquor. I've had my fair share of stupid moments in uniform. Our motto: "Work hard, party hard." That's how we rolled. 

However - that is another story for another time. If you are a beer connoisseur and like to try different craft brews and travel to different areas to do so - I highly recommend the Piney River Brewery.

This past weekend, I was hanging out at a local brewery in the middle of nowhere, Missouri. There are two locations: the Piney River Tap Room on Historic Route 66 in Waynesville, Missouri and today, at the source of it all - the Piney River Brewery BARn in Brycus, Missouri. 

This brewery is a gem of a place despite being located in the middle of nowhere. Founded in 2010, it is now the pride and joy of sleepy small town, Missouri. Using locally harvested ingredients and water from the Ozarks, beer lovers everywhere can now add this to their list of beer places to embark upon - a unique Ozarks experience you don't want to miss! 

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Cheers-ing to good times!

The Sister/Brotherhood

The time is 19:27 (7:27 pm) Central time and I'm on a mini excursion in St. Peter, Missouri. It was a weekend plan to meet up with a couple of girl friends - whom I deem as my "sisters-in-arms." One was undergoing some cosmetic surgery so we rallied together not only to be her support system, but also to help her get situated after surgery. 

This was not just a weekend getaway on a whim, but also in the continuance of camaraderie - of what we call the "Sisterhood," or in the most common term, "Brotherhood." We haven't known each other long. As a matter of fact, we met by way of our counselor who coordinates our support group centered around women veterans who have a history with Post-Traumatic Stress and/or Military Sexual Trauma. It took one meeting to create the bond we have and now we are sisters-in-arms forever. 

In the military community, the sisterhood or brotherhood is defined by the companionship and bond of one's "Battle Buddy" on the left and the right. When we are in a hostile environment or off-duty and out somewhere "on the town," we are paired with another for shared accountability, teamwork, safety and conduct. It is known as "The Buddy System." We always go out by two or more. It is a connection that spans the test of time and space. It is a bond that is only understood by those who have served. 

We might have put away our uniforms, but the discipline, training, deployments, experiences, lifestyle and memories are with us forever. 

In this manner - as three women bonded together in the camaraderie of our shared service to the oath we had sworn by so many years ago, we continue to stand by our values and the love we have for one another, for our nation, for our families and for the flag.